While I’m not a fan of the term “adulting”, I think it’s the best way to describe what I’m doing. I’m attempting to be an adult. While legally and biologically I’ve reached the age to be considered a fully functioning human being, I don’t feel like it. Partly because I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, but mostly because I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing what I believe I should be.
I feel like the term “adult” is really just the name for some sort of popsicle stick mounted mask that I hold in front of my face every day. It’s a flimsy and somewhat comical facade that was given to me when I turned 18 but wasn’t taken seriously until I was 21. Now that I’m older, graduated, married, and working, I have all of these expectations on me, and it’s scary as hell.
I’m turning 25 this month (what??!!) and I feel very behind in life. I don’t own my home, I haven’t found my forever career, I’m still working part-time, I haven’t started a retirement fund (I have panic attacks every time I think about this), I have to think about things like life insurance, health insurance, tax refunds, tax audits, birth control, birth plans in case the birth control doesn’t work, and how to answer that age old question “so, what do you do for a living?”.
Not to mention the harrowing fact that I haven’t worked on my novel(s) in MONTHS because I have no idea what to write about. Life is moving faster and faster and I’m trying my best to run to catch up but it’s leaving me behind. There are so many things I want to do with my life but I fear I will never have the time or funds. I want to travel, write and publish a book, start a business, become a healer, learn how to make the perfect chocolate souffle, and have kids. I’m already (almost) 25 and I feel as though I’ve accomplished nothing.
(Take a breath!)
I know that there are some things that I won’t be able to accomplish in this lifetime. Maybe I’ll never have a retirement fund (gasp!), maybe I’ll never travel outside of the U.S. again, and maybe my souffle will always fall, but I know that I will accomplish something someday.
In the meantime, I need to be grateful for what I do have and what I have accomplished or I’ll just make myself miserable.
I served a religious mission for over a year. I graduated from a prestigious university with a Bachelors Degree in English. I was lucky enough to find an affordable and warm apartment. I have enough part-time jobs to feed, clothe, and house myself. My husband is a hard worker and will one day be the most fabulous English teacher ever. I completed Yoga Teacher Training and I am working as a yoga teacher today. I have traveled to Greece. I have wonderful parents who are supportive and sweet. I have a working car. I have a small savings account that grows a little every month. I have known how to cook and bake things that didn’t come from a box since I was 10.
And I have the internet. The lovely, lovely internet.
I am fully aware that many people are not as lucky as I am. I have what people would call “first world problems”. Many people are homeless, hungry, and cold. I do my best to help these people with charitable donations and I also try to remember how fortunate I am with my little issues. I try to be as grateful as I can to those who have helped me along my way.
If you’re like me and are feeling a little down on yourself, that’s okay. But don’t let your “have nots” distract you from your “haves”. It’s okay to be dirt poor right now. It’s okay to not have a successful business. It’s okay not to be married or have kids (or ever want those things in the first place). It’s going to be fine. We’re going to be fine. Just do your best, and things will come your way. It might take longer than you want (NOVEL), but it will come.
(Originally published on TheMiniMeditatingDragon.blogspot.com 12/14/16)